3 years later...

"God is most glorified in me, when I am most satisfied in Him." -John Piper 

I heard this statement years ago, but I was then unaware of what the Lord would later use to prove this true in my own life. This day 3 years ago I delivered my twin baby boys and just as quickly had to tell them goodbye... for now. There were many times that day and the days following that I thought the pain was too unbearable to go on. Those days I physically clung to my precious husband and emotionally clung to the promise of eternal life for my boys through the personal sacrifice of Jesus Christ. The Lord upheld Josh and I both and blessed us beyond measure with our sweet Charlee girl and now our "Little Bean." I am certain and have absolutely NO doubts that the Lord was in control even through the devastating loss of the boys. I am also certain that though it was painful His plan was and is perfect... though 3 years ago I remember being angered by the thought of that. What I know to be true is that when Josh and I were dangling by a thread at the end of ourselves, empty and broken, the only answer was to rest in Christ. So that is what we did, by God's great grace. We took one day at a time, sometimes praying only that "God would be bigger than our pain that day." Soon after we began hearing from people who were amazed that Josh and I were healing and even some that were amazed that our marriage was withstanding this trial. We will be the first to say that it was nothing that the two of us did apart from the Lord that allowed us to keep living. The Lord had a greater purpose than we could understand for taking Liam and Tate home- He was to be glorified! It was not until this week after a conversation with a friend that this struck me so clearly. The Lord has given Josh and I an amazing opportunity to share hope with so many because of the loss of our boys. As a mom, the hurt is still very real but the hope that others will come to know Christ as their Lord and Savior as a result of the boys death gives their short lives a heavenly purpose. Three years later that is truly our prayer for those of you that read this- that the Lord would begin to reveal Himself to you in a very real and personal way that would draw you to faith in Him as the Risen Savior and begin walking with Him each day. We are obviously examples that a faith in Christ does not always mean a problem free life but it offers a peace that is beyond earthly understanding, true joy in the midst of a storm and a promise that He will never leave you or forsake you. I tell people often that if I did not believe that on April 9th, 2010 the Lord was holding Joshua Tate Mathews and William Louis Mathews in His hands than when we buried them the following Monday their story ends there... but it doesn't! I am certain that my boys were greeted by their heavenly Father and I too will greet them again one day. There is a song written by Selah that puts into words an amazing picture of what my boys may be experiencing and I'd like to leave you with them...

Such a long roadAll this madnessBut I knowThat the silenceHas brought me to His voiceAnd He says…I’ve shown them photographs of time beginningWalked them through the parted seasAngel lullabies, no more teary eyesWho could love them like this?I will carry youWhile your heart beats hereLong beyond the empty cradleThrough the coming yearsI will carry youAll your lifeI will praise the One Who’s chosen MeTo carry you

Job 1:21 "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Spoke a little too soon...

After a week on bedrest and 2 trips to labor and delivery our bean is still tucked inside and growing like a weed. We were rejoicing yesterday over a great report from the doctor. After looking at the baby he was extremely pleased with growth and development as the baby was measuring about a week and a half big. My cervix was measured at 4 cm, which was even longer than what it has been early on during this pregnancy. So the doctor lifted ALL restrictions and said to go on with life like normal. So that's exactly what we did. Mom, Charlee and I took a celebratory trip to Walmart- walking! Later it was decided that I would go with Josh to the Reds vs Angels game that he already had tickets for. Despite the cold we enjoyed seeing the Angels play and spending a little time with one another. We returned home late and headed for bead... Around 3am I woke Josh. I was having intense contractions that were so similar to what I experienced with the twins. Josh called my mom and we headed into L & D to see what was happening. After 3 hours on the monitor and a cervical length ultra sound they determined that my cervix was soft but closed and long and I was in fact having consistent contractions. The doctor released me around 6 this morning but I was sent home in a wheelchair and told to stay there. So it's back to bedrest I go in hopes that my body calms down to keep our bean in there a little longer. We so appreciate your continued prayers for all 4 of us. Charlee is learning quickly that "Momma's belly is hurting" and I can't pick her up. It's probably been a harder transition for me than for her. We are so thankful for the tremendous help my mom has been. From being my hands and feet to waking in the middle of the night to keep an ear out for Charlee. We could not be more thankful for her help. And lastly- I am personally so thankful for Josh. The Lord has been so kind to give me a husband with such a patient and loving heart. On top of working he has sat through hours of contraction monitoring and discomfort. During those times he has kissed my head and prayed that The Lord would calm my body and bring peace to my mind and of course keep our precious baby safe. I am beyond blessed to be Mrs. Josh Mathews- and that doesn't even scratch the surface on what a wonderful daddy he is. Thank you for reading- and thank you in advance for your prayers.

Baby Update and Call to our Prayer Warriors

   We visited our specialist yesterday for what was supposed to be our last routine cervical length and ultra sound.  We will start with the good news first- our precious little bean is growing and developing beautifully. Two weeks ago (24 weeks), during a growth ultra sound the baby was measuring to be about 1 pound 11 ounces. This week they didn't measure for growth but checked vital organs and said all looks good. We could not be more thankful for our healthy active little bean. Here's a sneak peek inside my belly...

We are so in love!

   So then comes the not so great news... During my cervical measurement the doctor discovered that I have already shortened 1/2 centimeter. The actual length is not of concern YET, but the fact that it changed and that it also appears to be "dynamic." Dynamic is a term the doctor described to us to mean active, possible movement on the internal side of the cervix. So what does this mean for mom and baby? Well, we are now on modified bed rest. No picking Charlee up and staying off my feet other than to perform daily tasks. This will be the doctors orders until about 30 weeks at least. Next week we revisit the doctor for a cervical length, if there is any change the plan as it stands now, is hospitalization for observation and administration of steroids to speed up lung development in baby. We are praying that the measurement next week shows no change, but we are thankful for the wise care and plan that has been put into place by our doctor. We are also thanking God for his protection yesterday. As I said above, yesterday was supposed to be our last ultra sound and the specialist was going to discharge us. Had the cervical change not occurred when it did Josh, myself and our doctors would be none the wiser to a potentially very serious situation for mom and baby. We appreciate your prayers for our family more than you know.  I plan to update more regularly as I now have a good bit of time on my hands :-) Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for your prayers.

9 weeks makes a BIG difference!

9 weeks and hair dye later...

 My silly very sweet girl

 "My belly"

Nine weeks brings lots of change! We continue to be grateful to the Lord for good reports from both my doctor and specialist. Our precious little bean is growing by leaps and bounds...literally I think he/she is leaping around in here. He/she is always measuring in or above the 90th percentile and a few days big. Charlee is starting to notice the physical change in my belly and has now started talking to "her baby" through "Momma's button." As you can tell from the above photos, she enjoys being a part of my weekly growth photos. 

We are thankful for any prayers that are being said for my health and the baby's. We are getting so excited to welcome this little bean into our family. Thank you for reading!

*** Also- I want to give credit where credit is due. A friend of mine and twin mom, Kathleen Davidson posted photos of her weekly growth through her pregnancy next to a chalk board similar to the one I am pictured with. I looked forward to her posts weekly and thought it was a wonderful way to log this journey. Thank you Kathleen for the brilliant idea!